![]() ![]() He began looking for every opportunity to hurt the baby, and although I have always disliked punishments, I began resorting to timeouts because I didn’t know what else to do. My son’s demeanor changed, and for the first time he seemed to be experiencing a deep sadness that I couldn’t address. My parents and sister flew in to help with him while we tried to balance time at the hospital and home.įortunately, the baby recovered, but she has been very high needs. Obviously, this was a stressful and difficult time for all of us, including my 3-year-old son. My baby daughter was born with some complications and ended up in the NICU for just under two weeks, during which time we didn’t know if she would live. I just want to share my story and to thank you for what you do. Jaqueline shared the positive results of her shift in perspective: Accept and acknowledge feelings without judgment, so that children can trust us as their empathic leaders and themselves as good people. ![]() Be ready to physically follow through with limits by preventing unsafe or inappropriate behavior, heroically removing children from situations when they’re clearly unraveling (which is “time-in” rather than timeout, akin to what my son’s British soccer coach calls “taking a breather”).Set limits calmly and early, expect impulsivity.Focus on helping our children when they can’t help themselves. ![]() With this crucial shift in perspective as a starting off point, and a clear understanding of our role, we successfully handle challenging behavior by following these steps: This can only happen when we’re tuned in, not turning them away in anger or judgment. Self-control has left the building, and they need to be able to depend on ours as back-up. Defiance, aggression and other limit pushing behavior are our children’s way of letting us know their impulses have taken hold. In truth, timeout is the exact opposite of what our children need when their behavior hits the skids. So, in effect, we’re expecting them to reason out the unreasonable while dealing with equal doses of shame and guilt, then miraculously come to their senses and henceforth conduct themselves with a more mature level of self-control. The truth is that they’re usually acting on impulses that don’t make sense to them either. The problem with this logic is that it assumes children are thinking reasonably when they are breaking the rules. Timeout closes the door on communication in the misguided hope that children will think about their behavior and, shamed, resolve to do better in the future. Worse, it actually prevents us from seeing the real problem, because when kids feel judged and rejected, they tend to clam up (as we all do). Timeout is a temporary, artificial, and inadequate solution to a real problem. ![]()
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